Submitted my Tailor screenplay to the contest today. Fairly sure that there will be so many other entries I don't have much of a chance, but what the hell. It forced me to revise, to turn my few, very long scenes into many, significantly shorter scenes, which is necessary for modern screenwriting. I think the script is much, much improved now, tighter and snappier, though probably still not perfect. It's probably still too talky, though it is definitely more visual than before. It's also quite a few pages shorter, going from one seventeen down to one oh nine. Whatever, it is submitted now, and I am proud of myself for making it better.
Most scenes are just edited, but one scene I completely redid. I was never quite happy with how I did the scene of Alice and Tom having their first real conversation together, the one where the connection between them was supposed to spark. It was incredibly difficult for me to re-envision it, and it was actually the last thing remaining to accomplish.
I ended up going to the gender well, in a way I had kind of resolved not to before. I didn't want to make an issue of a male dressmaker like Tom, as I didn't want the reader/viewer thinking too much of it. And as you may know, I have a liking for traditionally masculine men doing traditionally feminine things. But throwing it in there worked, gave opportunity to bring a few things up about Tom's passion for the craft-- which was really the element that hadn't been fully explored yet, and really did belong in that conversation. And I don't think it messes up my schema too much.
Read the scene for yourself and see how it came out:
EXT. LORING'S END - FRONT WALK - CONTINUOUS
Alice stands on the front path, sniffling into a
handkerchief.
TOM
That's awful, miss. Listen... thank
you. For speaking up for me.
ALICE
It was nothing, nothing at all.
TOM
It was good of you all the same.
Alice is distracted but struggles to compose herself.
ALICE
Pardon my manners, my name is
Alice.
TOM
Tom Barrows. It’s a pleasure to
meet you. Ah, despite the
circumstances.
She dabs at her eyes.
ALICE
Of course. So you’re the tailor?
You're not what I expected.
Tom grins a little.
TOM
Not a woman, you mean?
ALICE
Well-- and so young!
TOM
I've been at it it all my life. I
even stitched for Madam Vayon
downtown. The wedding gown I made
for Marjorie Hancock made the
society page.
ALICE
That was yours? It’s only… I’d
never thought a young man would
care so much for pretty dresses.
TOM
Why, they’re for making girls
pretty— and who cares more for
that?
Alice can’t help but smile at that. Tom is suddenly
self-conscious, and stammers shyly.
TOM
Of course, I’ve spent more time
with the dresses than the girls.
It’s the work, really. The making.
Tailoring suits is architecture,
and dressmaking feels like art.
Alice is impressed, even a little charmed.
ALICE
I can see why Aunt Emma came to
you.
TOM
I suppose. I had a good teacher.
ALICE
Madam Vayon?
TOM
My mother. It’s thanks to her I
know something of embroidery. It
was her specialty.
ALICE
Where does she sew?
TOM
She passed a few years back. And
her eyes went on her early, so I’m
afraid her dressmaking days were
already behind her.
ALICE
Oh, I'm sorry.
TOM
It consoled her that she could pass
what she knew on to me. I do my
best with it for her sake.
ALICE
I think you sound like a very
decent fellow, Tom Barrows. And a
very fine tailor as well.
TOM
That's very kind of you, miss.
ALICE
I'm sorry my aunt never got to see
your work. Have you done much
already?
TOM
I've hardly started. In fact...
He unhappily draws Emma's check out of his pocket and hands
it to Alice.
TOM
I suppose I'd best give you your
aunt's money back.
ALICE
Oh, my. Are you certain--
TOM
Please, I can't keep it now. And I
should return the bolt of cloth she
sent over as well.
ALICE
You keep that. Perhaps I'll call on
you to make something beautiful for
me sometime.
TOM
Anytime, miss. It would be my
pleasure.
They stand at the edge of the path for a moment, then Alice
seems to grow flustered and attempts to collect herself.
ALICE
Now… I suppose I should go. Perhaps
one of the officers will take pity
on me enough to tell me… something.
Anything at all.
Tom turns to go, but hesitates.
TOM
I am very sorry about Miss Emma.
If... if there's anything I can
do...
ALICE
Oh, I’m sure you’ve had far too
much to do with our troubles
already.
Tom nods.
ALICE
Thank you, Tom.
TOM
For what?
ALICE
For talking to me.
She turns back and goes into the house. Tom goes the
opposite way.
